Musings: He Said...She Said

Sitting at the coffee shop the other day, I was loosely listening in on the various conversations around me. I say loosely because really none of the conversations were any of my business. Interestingly, however, I realised that women and men often say the same words, but more often mean different things.

Allow me to demonstrate: He said: ‘Honey, I’m going to be late getting home from the game. I’ll try not to make noise when I come in.’ She heard: ‘Honey, after the game, we’re going to drink a bunch of beers, laugh at you and the other wives, then when I arrive, I’ll likely fart loudly all the way up the stairs!’ Here’s another one: She said: ‘Honey, do these jeans make my butt look big?’ He heard: ‘Take a look at my caboose, but if you say the wrong thing, looking at my caboose is ALL you’re going to do, buster!’

Really, I think it’s time we get access to some sort of dictionary or translation device that can make sense of all this. I find myself getting into too much trouble already with misinterpreting things my wife says. It would be handy to know JUST WHAT SHE MEANS when she says something like ‘no, it’s okay’ when you ask her if she wants help, and then you don’t help, and then you get the ‘stink-eye’ for two days. We could call it the ‘he said/she said’ translator. It could work both ways, of course, and would probably not only save marriages and/or relationships everywhere, but perhaps lead to a resurgence in family sizes, which would be a good thing for our schools.

Who knows? Imagine. You’re a man. You’re kicking back, watching your fishing/football/golf show. You hear a sigh behind you (you have to hear it first, mind you). Out of the corner of your eye, you see her: she sighs again. Now, you must ask the question men have been asking their better halves for millennia....’What’s wrong, honey?’ She says, ‘Nothing.’. Ahhhhh. A good time to take out your he said/she said translator. You type in the look, the sigh, and the ‘nothing’ answer. Several options pop up on the screen, most of them with red ‘Warning’ signs beside them. You panic. Which one to choose? You try this one: ‘Would you like to go for a ride and talk? Just you and me?’ BINGO!! Way to go, sport! Woooot Woooot!!

Now. You are a woman. You walk into the room, and you see your man sitting there, with a vacant expression on his face. You ask: ‘What are you thinking about?’ He says, ‘Nothing.’ You don’t believe him. It’s your turn to use the translator. You type in the proper setting, press enter, and you see your answer: ‘Nothing. Absolutely zilch. Nada.’ You see? Its win-win here, folks! (Incidentally, ladies, we men really do sit there and think of nothing at times. It’s in our genes, I guess!)

There could be spin-offs for this device. The ‘Teenager Said/Parent Said’ translator. The ‘Barking Dog’ translator. I’m thinking a popular one would be the ‘Politician said what?’ translator. The list is endless. Just think of the conflicts we as humans may have avoided in the past had this technology been available throughout history. I could have used it the other night when my wife asked her what I thought she should do with her hair.

Normally, when this is asked, I break into a cold sweat, then dive behind the couch/bushes/nearest moving automobile. I couldn’t, because we were on our back deck, and i was just a little too comfortable to get up. My translator would probably have said ‘Warning: no good answer available. Knock her out if possible, find your passport, kiss the kids and dogs goodbye (in that order), and lay low!’ Alas, no translator was to be found. So, I went with the old standby: ‘I like what you like!’ I said. And, as aforementioned, there really is no good answer.

So, as I sit here, sipping my Mai-Tai in my undisclosed location, under the assumed name ‘Klaus Von Schnoodlehaus’, I bid you adieu for this week, and could someone check up on Anne to see if she has a concussion?

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